Mission . . . Impossible?

Dear Brother Jo,

I'm curious on your opinion on my situation.

I'm a 19 year old girl who is very much in love...

I guess it starts with my background, I was born to a mom who only wanted to be a mother from 3 up, and she married the first RM who ever proposed to her (important).  Unfortunately she left behind a missionary.

My dad, (I love him dearly and he did eventually repent and shape up his life) was abusive, horribly immature, and neither were prepared for the married life (my mom wasn't perfect at 19 either... it wasn't all of either of them).  When I was 7 she married again. He was emotionally stunted, controlling, and he never took care of our needs. By the time I was 16 needless to say I was disillusioned. I hated all men, I snapped at guys at school, and I was a loner.

Somewhere that year I dated a guy who needed... more help than I could ever give.... While dating him I went to EFY where I met some of the most impressive and wonderful boys I have ever come across. I met a boy who changed my life... I'll call him Darling.

We hit it off, we wrote on Facebook every day, and when we went to youth conference we were inseparable. After youth conference I sent my ex a "Dear John" and we started to date (my ex was in the military).  We dated long distance for half a year and when I came back we... It's hard to describe how close we are, how much I love him.

We've had this amazing relationship where we took each other and helped each other to a point we thought we'd never be. It wasn't that we 'changed each other' (gags) but that we helped each other change. With his help I've gone from suicidal depression to rather confident and cheerful. With my help he's battled a pornography addiction. He's now been deemed worthy of a mission, which has never been an option in my eyes, HE MUST GO.

But what of me? I love Darling more than I thought was possible. I would have done anything to send him on his mission. I did everything in my power to support him, and to help him through his struggles, and that wasn't easy, but it was worth it. Now that he's leaving, I'm curious to think what you think I should do. I've tried dating (I'm at BYU) but... I feel dishonest.  In dating boys... they date in hopes that they can own a part of your heart. That they can own your affections, and at this point, all I can do is think of how much better Darling is.

We've agreed that we would write but not romantically when he does leave. anyways, the problem isn't him, he'll be homesick, but he'll be okay. But me? I'm at Mormon boy central and I'm not interested in dating. Fine by me, but friends think I should date and get a social life. My mom wants me to marry Darling. I want to marry Darling. and I don't want to marry until I'm close to 21.

So what do you think? I don't think it's fair to date guys when I have no intention of loving them... But you're more experienced in this path that is life, so I'd be happy to hear your opinion.

- Name Withheld



Dear Sister,

Some boys date because they're looking for love, some boys date because they want to get to know you a little better, some boys date because they feel they feel the same pressure you do to date and get married, some boys date because they want to kiss and touch, and some boys date to get better at dating.

I think there's only one reason for dating that separates guys from girls and that's some girls date because they want a free dinner (or movie or whatever).

Maybe in two years you and he will find that you will be good spouses for each other. Maybe not, but I wouldn't be surprised if you do.

However, until then, BECAUSE you care for each other, all bets are off. He needs to be free to focus on his mission and you need to be free at home, even if neither of you wants to be.

It's okay for you to go out on dates with guys you're not in love with and don't see yourself falling for. Go to be kind, go out and enjoy yourself, go out so that two years from now you'll be that much more sure.

Unless the guy scares you, go out with any eligible guy that asks. At least twice. The first time to be nice and the second time to be sure. If you have a good time, and he asks, go out again. If you don't have a good time, politely decline the next invitation.

There's a reason the Church no longer sends married men on missions without their wives; you're learning first hand why that is and what the difference is between a wife and a girlfriend.

I'm glad you've each turned your lives around.

I'd say Mission Probable with a high chance for success.

- Bro Jo